the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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