I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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