I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
