do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
