She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
