He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
