JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
