One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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