I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
