the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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