1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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