Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I can't put those talents on a resume
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Randomize
