What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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