I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
