i need an iv and a liver transplant
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
