Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
