Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
