I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
