there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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