Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
