fuck your aforementioned shoe
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
