Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I think I sprained my soul last night
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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