Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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