I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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