alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
