So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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