So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
