I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
