She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
