My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
