he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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