Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
