why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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