My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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