I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
