It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
