yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just pee around me
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
