he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
