I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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