We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
