I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
