I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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