You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
