I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
