I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
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You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
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I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
The adults are the big ones right?
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