booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
