Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
