My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
