Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
