i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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