my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
