is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
