You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
