stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
