he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
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