worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
