Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
my phone needs a breathalizer
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
