The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
