i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
