So drunk, too bad you don't want this
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
